i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
