I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
