Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
