why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
