You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
there was a trapeze. enough said
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
