what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
