I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
