If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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