If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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