Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
