Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
