textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
