Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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