somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
