Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
