hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
