the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
