He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
