Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
