Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
