I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
