Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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