Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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