there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need to calm my uterus...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
