Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
