Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
