Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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