Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
