at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
