i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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