what is it with giant penises always finding me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
