well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
