highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
