Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
