Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
