Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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