How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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