I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
