I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
