I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
