My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
