i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
