Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
