Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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