you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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