Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
