Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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