does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
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