I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Drunk is not a location!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
