my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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