i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
