Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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