Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
