Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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