mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
