There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
