I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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