the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
