I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
