They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
