dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
